


lifetime in repeat

by defectivedeviant



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Oh Hank, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 13:05:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14853308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/defectivedeviant/pseuds/defectivedeviant
Summary: "Connor doesn't know why he's doing this.There must be a glitch in his system somewhere, right? For him to want to do this. He's afraid of death, but he needs to die. How is that logical?"





	lifetime in repeat

**Author's Note:**

> hello i'm j i like to make characters suffer. enjoy :)
> 
> lil guide: bold and italicized are program functions, italicized is amanda talking.

and words betray me  
contradict all i stand for  
but i'm still learning  
yeah, i'm still learning.  
-eden; circles

~~x~~

Android’s have distinct functions; they stick to them. It’s common sense. Connor knows this.

Even deviants have a function, “to simulate human emotions.” Or at least that’s what cyberlife programmed him to believe. Yes, Connor knew the truth now. He had _converted_ , and since then, He’s been adapting to human emotions. He’s had the prevalent onslaught of feeling lost. Confusion, apparently, was the label provided by hank.

But when Connor felt joy, the feeling was almost euphoric.

On good days, he would pet Sumo whilst watching tv with hank. Connor would say something that wasn’t meant to be humorous, and the corners of Hank's mouth would twitch up. It’s the memories that Connor can see when he closes his eyes. Hank’s eyes crinkling when he smiles. The softness of Sumo’s fur. Those moments were ones he cherished. When he turns hank and tells him that, the older man blinks, leans over, and ruffles his hair.

“Me too, kid,” he says.

Connor was _happy_. Why did he have to ruin it?

 

* * *

 

Usually, when Connor closes his eyes, his codes roll over his eyelids in binary. He is not programmed to sleep, but since he became a deviant, he’s wanted to know what it felt like; to pull the blankets over himself and drift away, at least temporarily.

It's approximately 1:54 am, and Hank had passed out on the couch. He hasn't gotten inebriated in a long time, so when Connor scans him he's relieved to find that he only fell asleep due to the exhaustion. when Connor finishes his scan, He stares at hank's snoring figure. He takes the folded blanket on the arm of the love seat and puts it over his friend's body. He carefully grabs another for himself and sits next to him. His LED flickers yellow when sumo brushes against his legs surprisingly, laying on his feet. he smiles and covers himself with the sheet, his eyes fluttering shut. Every second he can feel himself slipping away.

Connor opens his eyes again and it's snowing.

 

* * *

 

Hank's empty stomach is loud enough to wake him up. he groans, his eyes squinting as he turns on the lamp next to him. It's still very dark outside, and it takes him a second to notice the figure lying next to him. Connor's face is blank, and he's breathing softly as he sleeps. It takes him a moment to register that the android is actually completely under. hank smiles and bends down to pet sumo.

"Good dog," he breathes, his back popping when he lifts himself off the couch.

He's turned around when he hears a throaty whisper; "Stop."

Hank stops abruptly. he turns and faces Connor. his whole body is shaking, his LED rapidly switching from yellow to red. his face contorts, and his LED flashes bright red.

"Fuck, Connor!" hank yells, clutching the androids shoulders and shaking him, "Wake up!"

Connor begs something incoherently. Hank doesn't recognize the names he yells, but he does recognize his own.

"Please, hank," he pleads, his back arching in pain, "Please just-"

"Yeah, son," Hank tries, "I'm right here. It's alright."

Connor makes a high pitched noise. Hank grasps Connor's hand in his and squeezes so hard that his fingers starts to pulse. He hears sumo whining beside him. He watches him and his LED carefully, reassuring the android through the nightmare. The halo on his head goes from red to yellow, and Hank breathes in relief when Connor stills, his eyes blinking open. He glances at hank, his chest moving rapidly as he gulps in air.

"Jesus Christ, Connor," Hank sighs, "Thank god."

Connor's eyes dart around the room before he finally is able to focus on Hank. His LED returns back to its normal blue. Connor doesn't dare let go of his hand, clutching it tightly in his own. His hazy vision begins to clear gradually, and the reality of the situation finally crashes into him. He shudders, gripping his left wrist to keep it from shaking.

Hank taps his arm to get his attention. "Hey, you scared the shit outta me Connor!" his harsh tone drops immediately after, and he frowns. "Are you alright?"

Connor bites his tongue hard, and he can taste the thirium. "I'm fine."

Hank's frown deepens. "I've never seen-" he shakes his head. "That nightmare, it..." he huffs, trying to find the right words.

Connor shakes his head. "Androids don't dream. They don't have... nightmares."

"Whadda call that then?"

The truth is in the back of his throat, ready to crawl out. He swallows it. "Memories. They were replaying whilst I was idle."

Hank nods like he understands, and Connor feels a piercing ache in his chest. He grips the edges of the blanket.

"Well, I won't push you, unlike some other android I know." Connor's mouth twitches at that.

Hank exhales. "It's three in the morning. I'm going to bed." He walks towards his bedroom and pauses. "Are you gonna..."

"No," he decides, "I think I'll remain awake."

Hank nods, and he disappears into the room, shutting the door behind him. Connor runs a hand through his hair, trying to erase the images popping behind his eyelids. He leans back as sumo jumps into his lap, effectively crushing his legs, a pain that he would feel if he was human.

The saint bernard rests his head down, and Connor does the same, closing his eyes and sticking his face in Sumo's fur. He inhales deeply, and everything else falls away.

 

* * *

 

Connor thought being a deviant was going to be _easier._

It's been a week since "the incident," and he can still feel Amanda in the back of his mind. sometimes he hears her voice, other times she'll be standing where can see her out of the corner of his eye. She reminds him that she could take control any time she'd like, but she "finds amusement in watching him suffer."

Her attempts at manipulating him are unsuccessful. Instead of listening, Connor self-examines himself nearly every day. His thirium pump moves irregularly because of the twitch in his left arm.

He also learns his possibility to self-destruct permanently increases to 10%. He hears Amanda snicker when he learns that, and his LED flashes yellow.

He decides he needs to take necessary precautions. He will not try to contact Jericho, and he'll avoid them at all costs. Connor figures he's not that important to Markus, and that the android will forget about him. He also will distance himself from Hank. If he's compromised by Amanda, then at least Hank will survive whatever she has planned.

 _That won't stop me, Connor,_  Amanda smiles eerily, _you know what you have to do._

Maybe remaining a machine would've been less painful.

**_Self destruction expectancy: +15%_ **

 

* * *

 

It's almost midnight, and Connor is still reviewing case files at the station. His eyes feel heavy despite not being able to feel exhaustion. Hank left a long while ago, but not before yelling at him at him to come home, but he only has one more file left-

"Connor!"

He flinches and swivels his chair around towards the booming voice. Captain Fowler has his coat and his car keys in his hand, with an impatient look on his face.

"Go home will you?"

Connor frowns. "but captain-"

"Connor, go home! That's an order, got it?"

His body shudders at the familiar statement. He clenches his left forearm out of habit. he nods numbly. "Understood."

The captain gives him a sympathetic glance as he leaves.

Slowly, Connor pulls himself from his chair, powering off his terminal. He loosens his tie and fixes his messy desk. He turns around and comes face to face with Amanda.

he tenses, keeping his stoic expression. he goes to push past her, but he glances down at the gun in her hands. he whips around to feel his holster, and it’s gone.

"That's not possible..." Connor breathes, "you're not here."

Amanda's sickly sweet smile sends chills down Connor's spine. She looks at the weapon in her hands and then back at his now concerned face.

 _Oh don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you._  She extends the gun towards him, _you are._

Connor's eyes widen. He snarls. "Go to hell."

Amanda seems unfazed. _You can't run from me, from_ this, _Connor_. Her condescending expression drops. _See you soon._

She disappears, and Connor checks his side, and the gun is back in its holster.

 

* * *

 

Hank's not a fucking idiot. He knows something is wrong with Connor. he's been ignoring him and being an asshole for days, which is unusual for him, except for maybe the "being an asshole" part.

When he hears the door unlock and the android walk in, Hank takes in his disheveled figure.

"You look like shit," he says curtly, swirling his glass of whiskey.

Sumo jumps up from the floor to go meet Connor. He pulls off his tie and pats Sumo on the head, effectively ignoring hank once again. He makes a beeline for the bathroom.

"Connor, get your ass back in here will ya?!"

Connor steadily creeps back around the corner. He gives his partner a deadpan stare, his eyes drifting over the glass of alcohol in his hand.

“Drinking again, lieutenant?” Connor questions sternly, receiving an icy glare from across the room.

"I told you not to call me that, " he grunts, "And stop being so bitchy. Also, get that stick out of your ass while you're at it."

Hank throws his head back and downs the rest of his drink, standing shakily to pour another.

"Your liver will fail if you continue to drink too much sporadically," Connor states.

Hank pours whiskey into more than half of his glass in response, trudging over to face the android.

He rolls his eyes over Connor. "What the fuck is up with you?"

Connor doesn't even seem to blink. "Is something wrong with the way I'm conversing?"

"Uh yeah, you're acting like a machine again."

"I've always been a machine, hank."

"Jesus, you know what I mean!"

A brief moment of eerie silence settles over them, and Connor breaks it. "I'm fine, Hank," he says, standing, "Let it go."

As he heads for the door outside, Hank grips his drink harder, almost causing a crack to form. "Now where the hell are you going?"

Connor doesn't answer him, rattling the door as he shuts it behind him. Hank curses loudly and he pours himself a fourth drink.

 

* * *

 

Connor supposes he's a glutton for punishment.

The gun at his side feels like it's weighing his entire body down. His thirium pump is beating sporadically now. As he gets further to his destination, Amanda walks at his side with a pleasant look on her face. He manages to ignore her and focus on what he's going to do next.

When he gets to the bridge, it's snowing, Like the last time, except Hank isn't there to shoot him with the revolver. Instead, Connor has a pitch black handgun.

Connor doesn't know why he's doing this. There must be a glitch in his system somewhere, right? For him to want to do this. He's afraid of death, but he needs to die. How is that logical?

He thinks he knows this feeling. guilt.

Amanda takes his hand gently and moves it to his holster. He slowly pulls his gun out and walks to the edge of the water.

 _That's it, Connor,_ her voice fills the empty space all around him, _You must accomplish your mission._

"I must accomplish my mission," he echoes.

 _Then do it,_ hisses Amanda.

He rests the barrel of the gun on his chin.

"I figured you'd be here."

Connor trembles as he lowers the gun slowly and Amanda's face drops. He doesn't dare turn around to face his partner.

"You shouldn't be here, hank!" he yells, "Just leave!"

"Not a chance in hell, Connor," Hank says, "C'mon, I'm freezing my balls off. Let's go."

Connor panics when he hears Hank takes a step closer towards him. "Don't come over here!"

"What-?" the lieutenant stops abruptly in his tracks. Connor's grip tightens on the gun, he clutches his right arm, and he turns to face him.

" _Shit,_ " he curses.

Connor's visibly shaking now, and it's not because of the cold. His LED pulses bright red. Hank takes a tentative step closer, his eyes sympathetic and wide.

"Give me the gun, Connor."

 _Don't,_ growls Amanda, _we will take control if you do that._

**_Warning: Self-destruction expectancy: 78%_ **

Connor lets out a broken noise. He can feel the frozen tears clinging to his cheeks.

...tears?

His LED flickers yellow.

"Connor, please."

_Now, Connor!_

**_Warning: Self-destruction expectancy: 98%_ **

He's tired. So tired.

"I can't lose another son, Connor."

**_Self destruction expectancy: 0%_ **

Hank is crying.

"I'm scared, Hank," Connor whispers.

"I know," he gently pries the gun out of his fingers, "It's alright."

Connor collapsed on the ground, and Hank wraps his arms around him. He wants to scream, so he does, and Hank just clutches him tighter. Amanda watches them cry until she vanishes completely.

 

* * *

 

"Are you sure?"

"I'm 100% positive, Hank. I trust you."

Hank nods, grabbing the box cutter off of the counter. He brings it up to Connor's head and waits for his approval. Connor takes a deep breath in and exhales.

"I'm ready."

**Author's Note:**

> if you saw any mistakes let me know. i hope you enjoyed!
> 
> edit: no longer lowercase! tbh i would rather have comments about the story rather than my writing choice, so i just fixed it :) I've deleted comments about it to cause less confusion.
> 
> send me a prompt/message: https://defectivedeviant.tumblr.com/


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